My boys

I'm sorry, but can we please just stop and die over this picture for a minute??

Seriously. I can't even take it.

Five things I'm doing for ME

Let's be honest.

We all know I'm not one for only showing the "pretty" side of parenthood. Being a parent to two kids is extremely demanding and the incredible rewards of joy, love, and sheer delight are often matched with exhaustion, emotional duress, and goldfish crumbs.

Like, everywhere.

There is nothing I love more than mothering Madelyn and Davis. But I have let it take a toll on loving myself and I'm hoping to put a stop to that in 2013.

So I started doing five things that don't benefit anyone but me. They are selfish, time consuming, and for the most part not at all productive. But I think they are important, so here they are.

1. Exercising. I'm setting aside 20 minutes at least three times a week to exercise. I have Matt watch Davis and Madelyn comes and does the workout with me. Usually she just twirls around in her tutu but sometimes she tries the moves. It's fun, and I think it's important for her to learn that we need to take care of our bodies so that we can be "strong and healthy" as she likes to say.

2. My mom's group. For years I have wanted to join some sort of mom's community but as a working mother there just are not many opportunities available that don't take place during the daytime. Our church has blessed me beyond measure with a mom's bible study every other Wednesday night. It's an amazing group of sweet, smart, and hilarious Christian moms and joining has been invaluable for me, especially since most of my best friends don't just live down the road.

3. Personal care. This will sound ridiculous (because it is), but sometimes I don't even take the time to put on lipstick because I'm running around like a crazy person (exhibit a: the above picture). And really, it's amazing what doing this one things will do for your confidence. Aside from that I'm making time to do my nails, lighting a candle at night while I do my face/teeth routine to make it a bit more enjoyable, and instituting a once-weekly bubble bath night. Oh, and I got a haircut. I'm calling it my chic mom do.

4. Making the spaces where I spend the most time pretty. I used some birthday money I received to buy some pretties for our kitchen that I had been lusting after for way too long and they make me happy every time I see them. Money well spent.

5. I schedule our cleaning people on the same day I get paid. It's a bit Pavlovian but it develops a very conscious work/reward mental connection.

Healthy kid snacks

I wanted to do a quick post about healthy snacks for kiddos, mostly because it's something that is important to me but also because I think it's something moms struggle with.

In our house, the kids want to eat all.the.time. and if I'm not prepared with something I'm quickly being turned on, and it isn't pretty.

So here are a few no-fail snack options that my kids love. I don't buy "junk" food so it isn't even an option. If they get something out of a box it's almost always Annie's bunnies and that is usually for my comfort more than theirs (i.e. a roadtrip or while shopping at Target- two places I do not want to deal with a fussy child). They also get treats on the weekends, at school, or when they are with their grandparents. I'm not super strict- I want them to live- but I do want to make sure 90% of what they eat helps their little bodies and doesn't hinder them.

1. Sliced almonds. This is not an obvious answer, but it's a great one. I discovered one day while baking that my kids love these and I make sure we always have them on hand. These are great car snacks too because they don't make a lot of crumbs.

2. String cheese. Any cheese really. I joke with Madelyn that one day when she turns into a piece of cheese she'll have to live in the refridgerator. She thinks this is hilarious.

3. Lara bars. These are delicious and are literally just fruit and nuts. No preservatives, no artificial coloring, nothing.

4. Fruit fruit fruit. Apple sticks (thinly sliced apples cut up like little french fries), strawberries, bananas, anything. My kids would eat fruit all day long if I let them.

5. Roasted sunflower seeds with dried cranberries. Again, random, but healthy and delicious!

And just so you know that I'm human, I'll tell you that we spent Monday afternoon having treats at Dunkin Donuts to celebrate the start of a good week at Madelyn's school. I think we can all agree that sugar, in small doses, just does you good every now and then ;)

Alive and well

Christmas did our family Good, which is how I will explain the complete lack of recent posts. We holed up in the house together, many days never even changing out of our pajamas, cuddled, watched movies, played, napped together, and loved.every.minute.

Honestly, I often feel like I'm at a place where I only have time to play with the kids/do projects on the house/hang with my husband/cook and not time to do all of those things and then blog about them. And I'm realizing more and more that the kiddos are getting so big so fast I don't want to do anything except soak them up every day.

I'm making an effort to just be with them when I can instead of trying to constantly multitask, which means that when they go down at 8 p.m. every night I'm in go mode cleaning up, planning the next day, making Matt's lunch (a new effort for 2013 to try and make his mornings a little easier), doing laundry, etc etc. And with my phone there are enough distractions as it is. I don't want to look back and feel like I missed my babies being little because I was too busy doing things online.

So I'm releasing myself from the blog for the time being. I'll post when I have time, or if there is something I want to write about, but I feel like if I can let it go for now I'll feel less guilty for not tending to it regularly.

And it fits well with my word for 2013: deliberate. I want to be deliberate with my time, my actions, my words. I want to be thoughtful and present in the kind of wife I am to Matt, the kind of friend I am, and in who I am to myself as well. I'm carving time out for me this year, which I haven't done a good job of in the past. And in balancing all of this on top of my job, something just has to give.

I know this is a short season. When my kids get bigger I may have more time, but right now they need me- a less hurried, distracted version of me. So I'm clearing my plate.

So here's to 2013. Here's to a less clean house, an unorganized playroom, piles of laundry, and lots of time with my babies instead. I can't wait to see what's in store for us :)

Packing simplified

Now, before you judge, I swear I do not have a compulsive organizing disorder. It just so happens that I find comfort in the orderly. And in the midst of the absolute chaos that has been the past four weeks of our life, I had to do something to harness my anxiety.

So this past week my mom called and asked if she could steal Madelyn away for a few days before all of the Thanksgiving craziness began. She lives in Florida but it just so happened my aunt was heading down and said she could take Madelyn with her, so we said ok.

Of course, with impeccable timing, one of the bloggers I follow on Instagram was posting pictures of this amazing idea she used to pack her kids for their vacation. So I copied. It is the highest form of flattery, no?

Each gallon ziploc bag has a full outfit with coordinating hair accessory, panties, and socks where applicable. There is a separate bag for jammies and other misc. accessories. As you can see, hot trends for this winter include pink, leopard print, and Tangled panties.

I wanted Madelyn to be able to pick out her outfit each day, and my mom to have an easy time seeing what was in there. And for me, I got to stand back and admire each outfit- neatly folded and happily compartmentalized.

Now if I could just find bags big enough to hold my clothes...

Life lately

Life lately has taken precedence over blogging, and at this point it's all I can do to keep my head above water so apologies for the lack of posts (I'm talking to you Mom and Aunt Sue).

As the transition into daycare has eased from an emotional standpoint, Davis' poor immune system is still adjusting to the onslaught of daily germs and has been pretty sick with strep throat since this past Thursday, running as high as a 103.8 fever (and greying his mother's hair by the second.) His mother, apparently still still also adjusting to a toddler-like immune system has a double ear infection. We visited four doctors in three days because then I had a skin reaction to the antibiotics. I'm totally fine, D is on the mend, and I'm somewhat grateful I can't take any more meds because it was making me feel negligent when I'd take them with a glass of red. Now I can enjoy my wine guilt free.

We also received amazing news from his cardiologist today that we can drop another one of his meds which leaves just ONE that he has to take daily. His heart looks fantastic, function is great, and we are overjoyed.

My work is particularly demanding right now as I prepare for a trip to Barcelona to help with a very large and very difficult five day meeting. I'm basically working every night once the kids are down until I go to sleep....and I wonder why I'm sick...

I am excited for Thanksgiving, but even more excited for Christmas because I am planning to really unplug. I joked with my boss that for those last two weeks of the year I was going "off the grid" and that I wouldn't be reachable by cell or otherwise. I said it jokingly, but it's awfully tempting.

I have tons of fun projects I hope I get around to sharing eventually- lately I've found comfort in crafting and organizing and while I've successfully convinced my sister I have a serious disorder, I'm ok with that. She's probably right.

I hope you all have a wonderful, safe, and healthy holiday!!!

Please keep those families in your prayers who may be spending theirs in the hospital. I never stop thinking about them.

Being a mom is hard

Being a mom is hard

Like, really hard. The people that tell you that, your mother who often reminded you of that- they weren't lying. It's actually really fascinating how you can feel such emotion for someone that isn't you.

And it's hard for reasons you don't expect. It's not just the sleep deprivation, or the semi-loss of a social life, or the inability to leave the house in something that's not dirty or wrinkled. It's hard because of the worry. Because when you have to let go a little you can actually feel your heart break. But really because of the worry.

Yesterday I took my sweet little miracle boy to daycare and it has not gone as I would have hoped. He's scared, he doesn't know anyone or understand why his mommy is leaving him in this loud, scary place. He cries a lot. He won't really sleep and barely eats—and nothing is more uncharacteristic of Davis than not eating. When I picked him up yesterday his face was red and swollen and I could not squeeze him fast enough.

And today when I left he cried and cried as a stranger tried to calm him down and his mommy walked out the door. And I came home and cried and cried because my poor baby thinks I abandoned him and he doesn't feel safe, or comforted, or understand at all why he is at this weird place.

I know it sounds ridiculous. People take their children to daycare every day, he just needs to get used to it, he is safe and he will be fine. I get it.

But he's not just another baby. He's my baby. And when he is upset, I am upset. And I feel like I've failed him. And that is why being a mom is hard.

You have to make hard decisions, and sacrifices, and it isn't always fair. In the midst of that, you have to feel emotions that you can't comprehend or even control most of the time. You doubt yourself constantly and there is nothing you can do about it. And some days it's just hard, and there's nothing you can do about that either.