Being a mom is hard
Like, really hard. The people that tell you that, your mother who often reminded you of that- they weren't lying. It's actually really fascinating how you can feel such emotion for someone that isn't you.
And it's hard for reasons you don't expect. It's not just the sleep deprivation, or the semi-loss of a social life, or the inability to leave the house in something that's not dirty or wrinkled. It's hard because of the worry. Because when you have to let go a little you can actually feel your heart break. But really because of the worry.
Yesterday I took my sweet little miracle boy to daycare and it has not gone as I would have hoped. He's scared, he doesn't know anyone or understand why his mommy is leaving him in this loud, scary place. He cries a lot. He won't really sleep and barely eats—and nothing is more uncharacteristic of Davis than not eating. When I picked him up yesterday his face was red and swollen and I could not squeeze him fast enough.
And today when I left he cried and cried as a stranger tried to calm him down and his mommy walked out the door. And I came home and cried and cried because my poor baby thinks I abandoned him and he doesn't feel safe, or comforted, or understand at all why he is at this weird place.
I know it sounds ridiculous. People take their children to daycare every day, he just needs to get used to it, he is safe and he will be fine. I get it.
But he's not just another baby. He's my baby. And when he is upset, I am upset. And I feel like I've failed him. And that is why being a mom is hard.
You have to make hard decisions, and sacrifices, and it isn't always fair. In the midst of that, you have to feel emotions that you can't comprehend or even control most of the time. You doubt yourself constantly and there is nothing you can do about it. And some days it's just hard, and there's nothing you can do about that either.