Saturday, November 12, 2011

Change of heart

Just weeks before I gave birth to Davis, Kristin, Dai, and I were sitting on the rooftop of a restaurant in Atlanta (where I stuck out like an enormously round sore thumb amongst all of the young singles and cocktails) discussing whether or not we thought we'd like to be stay at home moms.

I'd say we've all been reasonably successful in our careers. We're smart cookies and as a group are all pretty driven. And when in the right position we've found quite a bit of satisfaction and fulfillment in the working world. But I think growing up we all probably imagined we'd be home with our kiddos once we got to that point in our life. Now the question was- could we ever feel fulfilled by being home with them all day? Would we be willing to make financial sacrifices to do so? Would we miss working? Or would we leave it behind like Kris Humphries and never look back?

When I had Madelyn I liked my time at home with her but I was ready to go back to work. I missed the interaction with my colleagues and the sense of accomplishment. Taking her to day care was horrible and traumatic for the first year (literally), and balancing two "jobs" was not easy but we made it work.

This time I feel completely different. I have never been happier than I am right now at home with Davis. I find joy in the most mundane things. Today, I spent an hour making an excel spreadsheet for our family Christmas card list while he napped and I was overjoyed at its completion. I can't wait for him to wake up so we can play. I love cooking dinner while he takes his afternoon nap in a quiet kitchen where I can take my time, light my pumpkin candle and have a few sips of wine. I LOVE being home. I feel fulfilled, accomplished, purposeful, and happy.

Am I going back to work? Yes. I have been blessed with an incredible job that I enjoy and a team of people that I feel blessed to work with on a daily basis. That being said, I do plan to go back at a decreased capacity so that I have more time at home with Davis and Madelyn, and I'll appreciate every minute of those days. Will I have relaxed days in the kitchen, leisurely afternoons folding laundry while I roll around on the floor playing, and long morning walks while we sing nursery rhymes? No. Will I make the most of the time I do have? Yes.

If I thought leaving Madelyn was hard, leaving Davis with a known heart condition with whom I've spent almost every waking minute for the past 8 weeks in truly unthinkable. I know I'll do it but it will not be fun and it will not be easy. As we all strive for balance in this world, I will be grateful for a job that allows me the flexibility to have more time with my sweet babies, but know with utmost certainty, that I truly belong where they are. All day. Every day.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Jenn - it's Jessie - Meg's sister. I just have to tell you that you write the most beautiful things on this blog and most of the time when I read your posts these days I end up shedding some tears. You are the sweetest mommy, and I hope I am as good of one to my baby girl as you are to your two.

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